A friend of mine recently separated
from her husband and almost immediately she was involved with another
man, bringing a great deal of drama into her life.
She didn't ask for my advice, but I gave
it anyway.
I told
her that she needed to be alone for a while. She needed to take time to
rediscover herself, refocus her life and recuperate from a failed
marriage.
"I don't
want to be alone," she told me. "I don't like being alone and I'm not
going to be alone."
So,
there. I've been told and I completely understand. For most of my life I
did not do "alone" very well. I was very uncomfortable without a woman
in my life.
We live
in a culture that does not promote or encourage aloneness, particularly
at this time of the year. If you are single, there is sure to be a
number of friends and relatives always trying to fix you up or find you
a mate.
A
multi-million dollar industry thrives in this country just to bring
singles together with somebody else. We're not really comfortable with
somebody being alone and heaven help us if somebody really prefers being
alone.
But,
after more than three years of living alone, I can finally say that
there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Loneliness
is a sad emotional state. But being alone can bring freedom, self
satisfaction and personal growth like you've never felt before.
I have
friends -- and the list is growing -- who will never marry again,
because they have found so much fulfillment in being alone.
One of
my friends says the only thing worse than being alone is wishing you
were alone. Well, that's true, but kind of sad and negative, too. Let's
be a little more positive and say the only thing better than being alone
is being with your true soul mate. But what I'm saying is that you can't
find your true soul mate if you rush the process of personal
development.
I was
married for many years, and I must admit that I found comfort and peace
each time I did it. But now I'm in recovery, very similar to recovery
from an addiction. In 12-step recovery programs, it is recommended that
you not get involved in a relationship for the first year. This takes
away the pressure and distractions that a relationship always carries
with it. The recovering addict can focus on moving on with his or her
life.
With
introspection and work, the recovering person is usually much better off
for the experience and has much more to offer someone when, and if,
romance comes along.
This
time of the year, it is easy for single people to fall into that holiday
blues trap.
The key
for me has been staying active and being in touch with friends and
relatives, but at the same time recognizing that personal relationships
don't have to revolve around romance. The romance will come when the
time is right.
Correspondent Steve Burtt can be reached at sburtt@bellsouth.net or at
(228) 522-6401.
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