As a chronically single person, I've noticed that society seems to have
an interesting attitude toward people who eat alone. I witnessed a
demonstration of this recently.
I recently went to a steakhouse to eat a decent meal and work on a
writing project. When I walked in, I asked the hostess for a table by
the window. The restaurant was pretty dark, and I needed to see to take
"Certainly," she said. "Right this way."
She showed me to a table and indicated a chair facing the window.
Instead, I sat in a chair with my back to the window so that the light
would fall on the table instead of directly in my eyes. She acted
confused for a moment, and then looked at me with concern.
"Do you want something to read?" she asked.
"Something to read? The Sunday paper, maybe?" She spoke in hushed
"Uh, no, I have something to work on," I said, taking the note
cards from my pocket.
"Oh, you came prepared," she said, slightly surprised, and walked
It wasn't until she left that I understood what had just
transpired. When I asked for a table for one by the window, she must
have assumed that I wanted to look outside while I ate, staring with
dead eyes at the world that had so cruelly rejected me, pining for some
meager morsel of human contact.
When I sat facing away from the window, she wondered what I was
going to do while I ate. She quickly offered me something to distract me
from the reality of my mean existence, lest my quiet sobbing depress the
other customers and keep them from ordering from the dessert cart.
OK, I'm being dramatic, but do you see my point? Why did she assume
that I'm some loser that can't make it through a meal on my own? Isn't
it possible that sometimes people actually like to be alone?
Must we always assume that those who are by themselves without any
visible diversion are pathetic sad sacks who require the restaurant
staff to entertain them?
What is it about meals that require you to be with someone else,
anyway? Practically speaking, meals are some of the worst times to be
around another person. Not only are you more likely to offend your guest
with your lousy table manners, but it's also impossible to talk for a
good portion of the time because your mouth is full of food. I think
it's surprising that the majority of people don't choose to eat alone.
Nevertheless, in spite of the numerous advantages of not having a
dinner date, it is unlikely that society is going to change its attitude
any time soon. I would therefore like to propose a new online venture
aimed at reducing the ridicule that people suffer when eating by
It would be kind of like Friendster, except that instead of
attempting to set you up on a date with some weirdo in Tuscon, Ariz.,
who you don't know but who also happens to like The Propellerheads and
Barton Fink, this service helps you find a beard to sit with you while
I'll call it "LoserNet" or maybe "Eatster." You log in on your
mobile phone, enter your coordinates and it tells you the locations of
other single people who are preparing for a solitary meal. You pick
someone and view their picture, so that you can greet them at the
You then, by mutual agreement, eat your meal without speaking, thus
allowing both parties to think about that Sylvia Plath poem they just
read or brainstorm ideas for the rough draft of their suicide note.
The hostess will still give you knowing looks, but instead of
thinking you're a couple of losers she will assume that you are a
feuding couple on the verge of splitting up. Let's face it - feuding
couples are far more socially acceptable than single people.
I'm still in the process of raising venture capital for this new
business, but rest assured that I'll make an announcement here as soon
as it's ready. And if anyone wants to work at Eatster, please send me
e-mail. Note that our company won't have a lunchroom. Everyone will be
expected to eat in their cubicles. By themselves.