Monday, June 9, 2003

A story published today in the Chicago Sun Times reports that the institution of marriage is becoming like a merry-go-round in the United States, with more and more people getting on and off and on again.

Given the increasing number of unmarried couples living together and all the bemoaning about "easy'' divorce, a truth about marriage is often obscured: Most Americans want to be hitched, and will be.

The story points out that the United States is a marrying country, with almost three-quarters of Americans marrying by their 35th birthday. And when we fail, we don't give up. As many as half of all marriages end in divorce, but three out of four of those divorced people marry again. Four of 10 marriages today involve at least one partner who has been married before.

Researchers are only slowly beginning to understand the dynamics of second and third marriages and what it means to society, but the trend has spawned an industry of services, magazines and books. If you're getting hitched again, you might want to subscribe to Bride Again magazine, aimed at "encore brides." You might want to consider counseling from a therapist who specializes in "blending" families, knowing that the kids will be a big issue. Or maybe you should head to the family section at Borders and get the book Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts.

West suburban Addison's Suzanne Elzinga loves marriage so much, she jokes, she has done it three times. Her husband, Doug, is on his second marriage. "We're handcuffed for life now,'' says a laughing Suzanne, a former Chicago Bears cheerleader who works as a waitress and sells candles on the side.

When Doug, an SBC lineman, married Suzanne in 2001, it was for love. But he adds, "I wanted to be a married person again. I was out of sync. I'm a monogamous person.''

And some experts say it is just that basic human longing--to be half of a couple--that drives people to marry again and again.

The Elzingas, like all partners who have been married more than once, face challenging odds: The failure rate for second marriages is about 62 percent. Yet they went into their marriage feeling optimistic. They subscribe to the philosophy of Bride Again, which tells its readers, "With this marriage, you're a little bit older and whole lot wiser.''

Contrary to the notion of the swinging single bachelor loving his lifestyle, men are more likely than women to remarry, and they do so sooner after divorce. But it's not as if divorced women have no interest in getting married again. It's more a matter of fewer opportunities, given that men typically wed women of the same age or younger.

"Age is a big factor. The older a woman is, the harder it is for her to attract a man to marry,'' said David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. "You don't find that same phenomenon as much among men."

An age difference of 18 years didn't discourage Marisa Gurumendi from finding Antonio Martinez attractive. When they met nine years ago, Marisa was 22 and never married, while Antonio was 40 and divorced. Marisa was a friend of Antonio's daughter.

"She was like a Barbie to me,'' recalls Antonio, a department manager at a Target store.

At their Chicago home near Midway Airport, Marisa explains that she has always felt mature beyond her age. As the oldest of a dozen cousins in a tight-knit extended family, she was counted on to help care for the younger ones. She didn't care much for dating men her own age back then. "I thought they were kind of childish,'' she says.

Her parents resisted the marriage.

"They closed the doors on me,'' Antonio says.

So Marisa and Antonio exchanged secret messages, using Antonio's daughter as their courier.

Antonio had been divorced for two years and hated it. He was lonely and bored. Then, as now, Marisa's attentions made him "feel young again,'' he said.

They married months after meeting and now have two boys and a third child on the way.

"This marriage changed my whole life,'' says Antonio, explaining how as he nears 50 he feels it necessary to keep in physical shape to fulfill the responsibilities of being the father of young children and the husband of a younger wife.

Marisa says that's the sort of attitude that attracted her to Antonio in the first place. "I know he'll be there for me,'' she says.

Both the Elzingas and the Martinezes say they'll stay married for life, and that's a common conviction. Even the vast majority of Americans who have been divorced or separated--81 percent--say they believe marriage should be for life.

But the reality is that more than 50 percent of second marriages break up within 10 years. Some researchers speculate that it may be that once a person goes through divorce, it's easier to divorce again. The fear of the unknowns is removed.

Leslie Parrott, who with her husband, Les, wrote the book Saving Your Second Marriage, says people go into their "encore marriages'' with "a mythical sense of security that they won't make the same mistakes again.''

But, in reality, they make all kinds of mistakes.

Some gravitate toward people who are similar to their previous spouses. Others get remarried to "get even" with a former spouse, or for financial reasons. Still others rush into another marriage because, being divorced, they feel out of step with the community or wonder if they are "bad'' people.

"You're fragile after divorce. You might be depressed,'' says Parrott, a professor at Seattle Pacific University, and that can lead to fantasizing about marriage, particularly by women.

But, if anything, marriage can be harder the second time around, burdened with pressures that the first marriage didn't have.

Where, for example, do the kids from prior marriages fit in? Who will discipline the stepchildren? What kind of relationship should there be with an ex-spouse?

"There are more relationships to juggle,'' says Parrott.

If children are involved, that increases the probability that divorce will happen again, according to a federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey.

While the numbers of second and third marriages remain high overall because of the high level of divorce, according to the CDC survey, second marriage rates for women are dropping. Today, only half of divorced women remarry within five years; in the 1950s, two-thirds of divorced women remarried. The stigma of being an unmarried mother has dissipated, and women today are better educated and able to compete in the job market.

White women are most likely to remarry. Hispanic women's remarriages last the longest. Black women's second marriages end faster.

While Suzanne Elzinga jokes about her three marriages, she confides that it has been difficult marrying and remarrying.

"You feel like a failure,'' she says. "You never feel good enough.''

Doug Elzinga says he thinks some family members "look down" on him because of his divorce. His parents were married for life.

"They struggled it out down the line," he said. "I tried to struggle it out. I don't believe in the short run, then or now.''

Suzanne's parents divorced, but her father remarried--and stayed married--for more than 30 years, something Suzanne admires.

"My dad was a good dad," she says, "a good provider.''

The Elzingas say they are happier now than they have ever been in their lives. In the living room of their Lisle home, as he talks about feeling physically in concert with Suzanne, she laughs and rearranges the magazines on the coffee table to shove a Victoria's Secret catalog under a park district brochure.

"It's true,'' he says, as she beams happily. "The sex is great.''

This marriage is better, he says, because "I'm a whole lot more honest and open about things. There were things I felt I couldn't say to my first wife because I was afraid she would get upset.''

Says Suzanne: "I can't believe it's taken me this long to feel this good.''

Antonio Martinez laughs at life's turns. One of his daughters from his first marriage is two years younger than his second wife. Another daughter has married his wife's brother--making her both his daughter and sister-in-law.

"We're all one happy family,'' he says, bouncing his toddler son on his lap.