Thursday, January 2, 2003

A story published today by USA Today reports that about 11 million Americans now live with an unmarried partner, according to the 2000 Census. That number has increased 72 percent in the past decade and includes both same- and opposite-sex partners. About 9.6 million adults live with partners of the opposite sex.

The majority of couples who marry today have lived together first. And by age 30, three-quarters of women in the United States have been married and about half have cohabited first, the National Center for Health Statistics says.

Still, many give more thought to buying a car than to choosing a mate. "A lot of people jump into living together without thinking about it very long or thinking about it at all," says Dorian Solot, co-founder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project and co-author with Marshall Miller of "Unmarried to Each Other".

"That can get you into trouble," Solot says. "It is important to have detailed information about what to talk about." Solot and Miller, who are in their late 20s, cohabit in a "committed, unmarried nine-year relationship."

Whitman says newly nonmarrieds should break their rose-colored glasses. "People tend to romanticize what it will be like. The fact is, there is a lot of work involved, the same need for communication, compromise, sharing and making sacrifices" faced by married couples.

Potential live-ins should "think it through carefully, know their reasons for wanting to live together, have known each other long enough to know if they want the same things," said Stacy Whitman, co-author of one of two new books on the nuts and bolts of moving in together.

Her book, "Shacking up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned," published by Broadway Books, will be in stores in early March. It is written with her sister, Wynne Whitman, 38, an attorney specializing in tax and estate law in Morristown, N.J. She is single and has never had a live-in. The sisters don't disguise their point of view. "For the majority of us twenty- and thirty-somethings, the ultimate goal is a walk down the aisle," they write.

Solot and Miller support both same-sex and heterosexual couples who may want to stay in anything from very temporary to long-term live-in relationships.

The experts all suggest a written "cohabitation agreement" that covers money and property issues, especially if there is a mutual car or house in the future. "Unmarried couples do not have the same legal protections that married couples get," Solot says. Also necessary, she says: a healthcare proxy that lets one partner make medical decisions for the other, a durable power of attorney to allow one partner to manage property if the other can't, and two wills.

"If you die without a will, your partner will inherit none of your belongings or assets," Solot says. Everything from a savings account to the cat will go to the legal next of kin.

Talk the decision through and then go for it if you are sure the time is right, the authors say. "The future is full of unknowns, and every relationship — whether you're dating, cohabiting or married — involves some degree of faith," Solot says. "But the more clear and realistic your expectations are, the better it's likely to turn out."