Monday, June 24, 2002

A story published today by the Virginia-Pilot reports that it's no secret that divorce is common in the American society. Half of all marriages usually end in divorce. But the divorce rate in Virginia has remained steady for the past 20 years -- roughly 2 1/2 weddings for every divorce -- and it is not getting worse.

But what the census figures do not categorically reveal is that divorcees appear to be staying single longer. The census found that one out of every 10 adults you see is divorced and single. That's the rate in South Hampton Roads, Virginia and it's way up over the past two decades.

In fact, the number of divorced singles in South Hampton Roads has more than doubled in the past two decades -- growing far, far faster than the region's total population, which rose only 29 percent during the same period. The number of divorced singles in 1980 was 34,600.

The census also has not revealed how many divorced people have children, but anecdotal evidence indicates that that number, too, is up. For a variety of reasons, local divorce lawyers say they are seeing more custody battles in the cases they handle.

And that, coupled with the new census numbers, indicates that more children are likely being raised by divorced single parents.

``It's gotten to the point where it's depressing to go to a wedding,'' said Virginia Beach divorce lawyer Grover C. Wright Jr. ``My advice is don't send any monogrammed gifts.''

At the University of Virginia, psychology professor E. Mavis Hetherington recently concluded a 30-year study of divorcees and their children. She published her findings in a book called ``For Better or For Worse.''

One finding seems to confirm the new census numbers: While most divorced men and women eventually remarry, an increasing number remain single and cohabit or ``meet their need for intimacy with a dating arrangement, a friendship, or a network of friends or family.''

In other words, they join something like Parents Without Partners.

That's what Joyce Moore, a 42-year-old divorced mom of two, found when she joined the group. She wanted a surrograte family and found it.

Ten years after her divorce, she's in no hurry to remarry.

``If you'd asked me 10 years ago would I ever get married, I'd say no. I was still smarting,'' Moore said. ``Now I'm more open to the idea. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't,'' she shrugs, ``it doesn't.''