Sunday, July 14, 2002
Men and women have differing emotional needs to rev up their sex lives
A story published today by USA Today reports that a new study conducted by the University of Washington- Seattle reveals that men and women have different emotional needs when it comes to revving up their sex lives.
For men, the key to improving sex, romance and passion is reducing conflict, those confrontations that raise their blood pressure.
For women, the vital ingredient is increasing friendship, the togetherness they see as just as important at the breakfast table as in the bedroom, says University of Washington-Seattle psychologist John Gottman. Friendship doesn't mean being merely "nice," but rather knowing yourself and your mate at a profound level, he says.
For three decades, Gottman has been studying how couples interact. This current project and others, he says, demonstrate that arguing activates a man's "fight or flight" response. He feels "threatened, vigilant," not eager for sex.
If a touchy subject is presented calmly, the level of conflict will be reduced, Gottman says. In stable couples, both spouses express fewer negative and more positive emotions at the start of discussions, his research projects show.
Women, on the other hand, he says need a deep sense of connection and friendship to feel passionate.
Gottman's research teams have studied more than 2,000 couples in his Seattle "marriage lab." His methods there include conducting extensive interviews and videotaping couples interacting, using various devices to take physical measures such as heart rates as couples discuss troublesome topics.
His findings were presented Thursday to the Smart Marriages conference in Arlington, Va., sponsored by the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.
