Sunday, July 7, 2002

A story published today by the USA Today reports that according to researcher Scott Stanley, men who cohabit with the women they eventually marry are less committed to the union than men who never lived with their spouses ahead of time.

Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, says the evidence from his research is so strong that cohabiting women "should be very careful about how aligned they are with a particular man if he does not show any strong sense of marriage and a future together."

Men who either drift into marriage "through inertia" following a cohabiting arrangement or who are "dragged down the aisle" by women who finally put their feet down are not good marriage risks, he says.

Many presenters will agree with Stanley: It is young men, not women, who move toward marriage with the speed of a wounded sloth. Their findings will reinforce stereotypes and infuriate many of both sexes who want to look before they leap. But still it is men, these researchers say, who drag their feet — big time.

He speculates that men who want "to test marriage out first" are less committed to the institution in general and their partners specifically than men who move directly to marriage without cohabiting. And he speculates that women are still socialized to put relationships first and tend to be as committed to both the union and the partner, after marriage as they were before it.

His findings will interest those who monitor marriage trends. Setting up shop together — before marriage or without any plans to marry — has become commonplace. Between 50% and 60% of new marriages now involve couples who have lived together first.

Ironically, the divorce rate among those who once lived together is higher than among those who have not. Experts say that is often because those who choose to cohabit are not great believers in marriage in the first place.

Stanley sees other factors at play. In his study on live-ins who married, less religious men were particularly apt to be less committed. It may be that higher divorce rates among one-time cohabitors are a result of "the presence of males who are less dedicated, less religious and more negative" than males who didn't cohabit, he says.

Stanley says his results dovetail with those from a controversial Rutgers University study released June 25. The Rutgers study found that young men are reluctant to marry because just living with a woman is easier. They fear the cost of a divorce. They are not excited about sharing the everyday chores of parenting with their future wives. And they'd like to be financially stable first.

Both he and Popenoe agree, Stanley says, that "it is a bigger switch for men than women to go from being non-married to married. And men are more reluctant to throw that switch."

But the Rutgers study is causing a fuss elsewhere. The Alternatives to Marriage Project (AtMP) debunks the concept that men would rather have a live-in lover than a wife. Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, live-ins themselves and co-founders of the non-profit group supporting non-marrieds, say that "men actually tend to be more interested in marriage than women." Among the polls and surveys they cite:

A 1996 Gallup poll found 39% of unmarried men would prefer to be married; 29% of unmarried women would. A government-funded survey of high schoolers, from 1996-2000, found 38% of senior boys believe marriage leads to a fuller and happier life; 29% of senior girls said so. A 1994 government-funded survey found 59% of unmarried men ages 18-35 want to get married; 48% of women agreed.

Men are committed to women, Miller says. "Their only hesitation is whether to commit to the institution of marriage."