Forever is not a permanent thing in relationships anymore

A story published today by the Telegram & Gazette reports that the Census 2000 figures on marital status recently released reveals that 26,444,487 Americans 15 years old and above are separated or divorced.

The numbers constitute what many view as a crisis in marriage, one that appears to have captured the attention of a broad swath of the country's intelligentsia.
Social and political scientists, psychologists, historians and educators all have published articles and books examining one aspect or another of marriage and divorce and its effects on men, women, children and society.

The experts have formed think tanks and conducted myriad studies on the demographics and social ramifications of the institution. The results of two studies released last week underscore the scope of the undertaking.

The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, which is studying "the social health of marriage in America," announced that "Men are not anti-marriage, they just aren't in a hurry to get to the altar." The reason? Staying single is more fun, less responsibility, and they can have sex by cohabiting rather than marrying.

Pennsylvania State University researchers studied women, work and divorce. They concluded that "full-time work for wives decreases the likelihood of divorce, but does not improve marital happiness."

Alan Wolfe, a political scientist and director of the Boisi Center for Religion and American Public Life at Boston College, offered the view that Americans have come to place greater value on individualism than on loyalty to institutions.

"It is seen in the labor market mobility and decline in the membership of political parties," Mr. Wolfe said. "The dissolution of marriage is part of a large cultural change that has taken place."

The shift began in the late 1960s with the goal of personal fulfillment, he said, and continued throughout the 1980s with President Reagan's emphasis on economic self-interest.

"I've run into a few people who have gone through marital relationships like I go through potato chips -- but not many," said Mr. McGill, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. "Mechanically, it may be easier to get a divorce, but I would say the level of emotional pain that most people bring into our offices leads me to believe that none of the experience was easy."

Amid all the hair pulling, there is a general consensus that, one way or another, things can -- and should -- be fixed. Even Congress and the Bush administration are committed to promoting healthy marriage.

The House and Senate are separately considering bills that would allocate $100 million to provide ways for low income families to improve their chances for successful marriage through education and support. Meanwhile, marriage advocates across the country are working to tighten divorce laws and find effective ways to change attitudes. Three states, Arkansas, Arizona and Louisiana, have legalized the covenant marriage, an optional contract that requires premarital education, counseling if the marriage is in trouble and, in some cases, a waiting period before a divorce is granted.

Amy Valletta, a lawyer in Worcester, Massachusetts whose practice focuses on family issues, said that, in her experience, most people are sad and regretful about divorcing. "It's the death of a dream, and you go through the typical grieving process."

Ms. Valletta said it is not unusual for a client to tell her, "I just don't love this person anymore," and no-fault divorce provides an escape hatch.

"You can't keep a person imprisoned in an unhappy marriage, but I'd hesitate to characterize anyone stepping into Family and Probate Court as looking for a quick fix," she said. "I don't find my clients divorce lightly or with ease. There is embarrassment, ego and disappointment involved."