| Wednesday,
November 8, 2000
United States is moving toward a 'post
marriage society'
A story published today in the San Francisco
Chronicle predicts that the United States may be on its way to becoming what some scholars
call a "post marriage society," one in which marriage is no longer a dominant
institution.
The rise in the proportion of babies born to unmarried parents, from less than 1 in 20 in
1960 to 1 in 3 now, has been among the most profound changes in American society.
David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute
for American Values, says that ambivalence about marriage has
become widespread, from feminists who believe that it harms women to young people whose
parents' divorces have made them cynical about its chances for permanence.
The change has led to heated debate about family values, moral decline and fatherless
children, and politicians talk about the hot-button questions of gay marriage, teenage
pregnancy and welfare reform. A
nascent marriage movement is pushing for premarital counseling and education and more
stringent divorce laws.
This season's books include ``The Unexpected
Legacy of Divorce,'' in which Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee argue
that divorce inflicts long- term damage on children, and ``The Case for Marriage,'' in
which Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher detail the benefits of marriage.
Meanwhile, many scholars are beginning to think along different lines, asking more
broadly, as Tina Turner might put it, what's marriage got to do with it?
Given the sizable body of research showing that children of single parents end up with
poorer education, job prospects, and health, the fundamental issue, they say, is making
sure that children are well cared for, whether or not their parents are married.
Some even go so far as to suggest that marriage is part of the problem, not part of the
solution.
``This obsession with marriage prevents us from looking at our social problems and
addressing them,'' said Martha Fineman, a professor at Cornell Law School. ``Marriage is
nothing more than a piece of paper, and yet we rely on marriage to do a lot of work in
this society: It becomes our family policy, our policy in regard to welfare and children,
the cure for poverty.''
Fineman would end marriage as a legal category, and turn the nation's attention, instead,
to finding broader ways to support those who care for children, the elderly and the
disabled.
``People could still get married, if they wanted to make a religious statement of
commitment, but I don't think it should have any legal impact,'' she said. ``I would like
to see all the social subsidies redirected toward caretaking. For children, the important
thing is that there be enough adults to care for them, whether it's by married biological
parents or two or three or four others. If that's what we want people to do, that's what
we should focus on, not marriage.''
The starkness of the categories -- married parent or single parent fails to reflect a much
more complicated reality: over the past few years, family scholars have learned that many
-- perhaps half -- of the single women who give birth are living with the baby's father.
``In recent years, we have become much more aware that an unmarried woman is not
necessarily a lone parent,'' said Larry Bumpass, a family demographer at the University of
Wisconsin. ``We found in a study in the early '90s that about 40 percent of all unmarried
births were to cohabiting couples. The numbers have probably gone higher in the last few
years.''
So the whole concept of single parenthood may need rethinking. ``It may be time to think
about this in terms of unions rather than marriages,'' said Andrew Cherlin, a sociology
professor at Johns Hopkins University. ``The line between married and single is getting
blurred, as more people cohabit. Most of the increase in births outside marriage is in
births to cohabiting white mothers. I think the big question, as we go forward, is whether
we are going to extend to cohabitors the benefits and responsibilities of marriages, which
is the Scandinavian and French solution, or whether we're going to try to keep a sharp
line between married and not-married.''
The policy in the United States, as set forth in the welfare reform law, specifically
includes reducing out-of-wedlock pregnancy, promoting marriage and encouraging the
maintenance of two-parent families.
Whatever their views on marriage, family scholars agree that, for children, two caring
adults are better than one: between them, they are likely to have more money, more time,
more resources in case of emergency.
At the same time, there is clear evidence that cohabiting couples break up more often, and
sooner, than married couples, disrupting their children's lives. ``While cohabitation
before marriage has become the norm, long-term cohabitation is rare,'' said Norval D.
Glenn of the University of Texas, research director of the Council on Families. ``In this
country, most people cohabit only for a few years and then either get married or split
up.''
To gain better understanding of unmarried parents, the Fragile Family study is following
3,600 unmarried couples and 1,100 married couples in 20 cities, from their child's birth
to age 4. At the time of birth, half the unmarried parents were living together and an
additional 30 percent were still romantically involved -- and most believed they had a
good chance of marrying.
By the time their babies were a year old, almost two-thirds of the cohabiting parents were
still living together, and 11 percent had married. Among those who were romantically
involved but not living together, 18 percent had moved up to cohabitation or marriage and
33 percent were still a couple.
``The first thing we've learned is that these really are families, even though they're not
married,'' said Irving Garfinkel of Columbia University, one of the researchers, ``and we
ought to take care to support, and especially not to disrupt, their commitment to raising
a child together.''
Scholars of all political stripes agree that it is important to protect the well-being of
children. They disagree vehemently on whether the best approach is to encourage marriage
or adjust to new social mores by finding better ways to support unmarried parents.
Even among those academics in the pro-marriage movement, there are sharp divides on gay
marriage and on the question of whether to penalize those who have children outside
marriage or make divorce more difficult to obtain.
Robert Emery, director of the University of Virginia Center for Children, Families and the
Law, where a conference on marriage policy is scheduled to be held this weekend, is
typical of academics seeking a middle ground: he supports the marriage movement,
generally, but takes pains to explain his own opinions.
``I support a pluralistic view of marriage,
one that could, for example, include same-sex unions,'' he said. ``But at the same time I
believe there are benefits in publicly, legally, proclaiming the union, so I think
cohabiting couples should be encouraged to marry and take on the obligations and benefits
that come with it. But I don't think we should get there by taking the negative approach,
re-stigmatizing illegitimacy, or ending no-fault divorce.''
Others, including Blankenhorn, go further in advocating measures to encourage couples to
marry: having public agencies, for example, refer unmarried parents who express interest
in marriage to counseling or marriage education to help them pursue matrimonial plans.
Experts offer holiday advice for children of divorce
A story released today through PRNewswire reports that
children of divorced parents often find the holidays the most trying time of the year.
There are two houses to visit, step-families to navigate, and the ever-present tension
between their formerly married parents.
But divorced parents can do much to alleviate the stress, say family lawyer Mike McCurley
and Dallas psychologist Sharon J. Anderson.
"I often have clients who are reasonable and conciliatory the rest of the year become
possessive and unreasonable around the holidays," says McCurley, a name partner in
the Dallas family law boutique of McCurley Kinser McCurley & Nelson and the former
president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. "I have to remind them
that, for their children, the holidays are still a magical time of year. And they don't
need it to be ruined by their parents' sniping at each other."
Dr. Anderson says the holidays can be made easier if parents follow two simple guidelines:
put their children's needs first and keep holiday obligations to a minimum.
"You can't make sure the kids have a good holiday if you're exhausted," says Dr.
Anderson. "The most important part of spending time with your children is tending to
your relationship, not necessarily making Christmas cookies. If you're going to be yelling
and screaming at the kids because you're exhausted and they're making a mess, then it's
not worth it."
McCurley, who in 1998 spearheaded an AAML public awareness campaign aimed at helping the
children of divorce, and Dr. Anderson, who has worked with hundreds of couples and
families during her 25-plus years of practice, offers these tips for divorced parents:
-- Let your children know their visitation schedule in advance. They should know well
ahead of time, for example, if they're going to be leaving for their other parent's house
on Christmas afternoon, so that they can be emotionally prepared for the move.
-- Don't be afraid to start new traditions if the old ones either conflict with your
children seeing both parents or are too cumbersome for a single spouse to carry out.
-- Both parents should work to simplify their respective family obligations. Children who
are overscheduled can feel pulled in different directions, increasing the stress on both
the children and the parents.
-- Accommodate your former spouse's visitation more than usual. Help your child shop for
your ex, and encourage them to be excited about seeing their other parent. Don't let on
that you're feeling down or anxious about being alone.
-- Don't compete with your former spouse on gifts. Not only could it leave you indebted
after the holidays, but it also overindulges your child and establishes a negative
precedent.
-- More than any other time of the year put your children's feelings before your own.
-- Be flexible with your plans, and be prepared for a certain amount of letdown. Holiday
blues are inevitable, even for those not going through a divorce. If necessary, lean on
family and friends, but not your children, for help.
"I give my clients the same advice every year, and that's to put themselves in their
children's shoes," McCurley says. "Being divorced at the holidays can be tough.
Nobody's saying it isn't. But adults have at least some measure of control over their
situation. Children don't. So we, as adults, have to make sure we do what we can to make
the holidays bearable for our kids."
Tuesday, November 7, 2000
Singles and couples without kids moving back to urban
centers
A story published today in the Las Vegas Review Journal
reports that a movement back to downtown areas by singles, couples without children, and
empty-nesters is triggering the development of urban mixed-use projects nationwide,
according to panelists at the Urban Land Institute's fall meeting in Chicago.
The implications of consumer demographic and lifestyle changes were discussed last week by
a panel of ULI representatives, including Dan Van Epp, president of The Howard Hughes
Corp. in Las Vegas.
What's missing in downtown housing development is affordable housing, said Ronald
Terwilliger, chairman of the institute and managing partner of Trammell Crow Residential
in Atlanta.
Although developers are responding to the urban housing needs of the affluent, he
cautioned that the inadequate supply of low-cost housing downtown could widen the housing
affordability gap in the years ahead.
Van Epp pointed out that while middle-class families with children are continuing to stay
in the suburbs, they are demanding more urbanlike features in their own neighborhoods, to
give them a sense of community and belonging.
Robert Silverman, chairman of The Winter Group of Cos. in Atlanta, said cities are
attracting a mixed group of young and older people with a substantial amount of disposable
income. As a result, cities are increasingly made up of two distinct sectors -- the rich
"new" residents, and the poor, who have never been able to afford to leave, he
said.
Several types of nontraditional households -- single men, single women, unmarried people
living together, divorcees, gay people and immigrants -- are all having a strong impact on
downtown housing markets, Silverman said.
The Urban Land Institute is a nonprofit education and
research institute based in Washington, D.C. Its mission is to provide responsible
leadership in the use of land to enhance the total environment.
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